Understanding Changes in Sexual Desire
As a certified sex counselor, I’ve worked with many individuals and couples who have noticed shifts in their sexual desire over time. If you’ve experienced changes in your desire for partnered sex, you are not alone. It’s completely natural for sexual desire to ebb and flow, influenced by a variety of emotional, physical, and situational factors.
There are multiple reasons why your sexual desire may have shifted, and it’s important to understand and honor your own experience without judgment.
Why Your Sexual Desire May Have Increased
For some, stress and anxiety can lead to a heightened need for control, making sexual pleasure a reliable source of comfort. Other potential reasons for increased sexual desire include:
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Spending more time with a partner, deepening emotional intimacy and leading to more sexual connection.
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Engaging in connective and vulnerable sex that fosters closeness.
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Using sex as a form of escapism from overwhelming emotions.
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Exploring personal sexuality with newfound time and energy.
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Seeking novelty within a relationship to break daily monotony.
Why Your Sexual Desire May Have Decreased
Conversely, for many, stress and exhaustion can diminish sexual desire. Potential reasons include:
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Increased tension with a partner due to constant proximity.
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Pre-existing relationship stress being heightened by external pressures.
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Feelings of isolation, depression, or loss reducing emotional and physical intimacy.
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Being in survival mode, where stress overrides sexual drive.
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Longing for physical touch but feeling disconnected from others.
Experiencing Both: The Waves of Desire
Perhaps you’ve experienced both heightened and diminished desire in waves. These fluctuations are normal, and allowing yourself the space to acknowledge them without judgment is key to processing them.
Instead of falling into “should” thinking (e.g., I should be having more sex or I shouldn’t be exploring sex on my own), try embracing curiosity and self-compassion.
The Impact of Stress and Emotional Well-being on Sexual Desire
Many of us are coping with different forms of grief—grieving lost routines, relationships, personal losses, and even a sense of normalcy. This emotional weight can affect our ability to connect intimately with ourselves and others.
Processing these emotions can help us better understand shifts in our sexual desires. Consider expressing your thoughts:
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Out loud
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In a journal
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To a partner, friend, or therapist
Seeking support when needed can make a difference.
Prioritizing Time for Yourself and Your Relationship
Before assessing what time and energy you’ve given to your relationship, ask yourself:
What kind of time have you been able to give to yourself?
Self-care and self-reflection can expand your capacity to share intimacy with a partner. Tending to your own emotional and physical well-being is a vital step toward fostering connection.
The Nervous System’s Response to Prolonged Stress
Our nervous system is not designed to stay in an ongoing ‘emergency response’ mode, yet prolonged stress can leave us feeling constantly on edge. The exposure to distressing news, life changes, job uncertainty, and other stressors can lead to a profound sense of loss and uncertainty, known as Ambiguous Loss.
Checking in with your body right now, do you notice:
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Tension in your neck, shoulders, or arms?
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Shallow breathing?
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Physical symptoms of stress?
These bodily responses to stress can also affect sexual function and desire.
The Connection Between Stress and Sexual Function
Physical tension is not only stored in obvious areas like the shoulders—it’s also held in the pelvic floor muscles. Studies suggest that chronic stress can lead to excessive tightness in these muscles, potentially causing:
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Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation in penis owners.
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Labial or vaginal pain with touch or penetration in vagina owners.
Stress, trauma, and fear can manifest in sexual dysfunction and pain, making it crucial to seek support when needed.
Seeking Help When Needed
If you’re experiencing distressing changes in sexual function, consider consulting a certified sex therapist. As someone trained in sexual health, I know how impactful professional guidance can be in understanding and addressing shifts in desire.
Wherever you find yourself—whether experiencing increased, decreased, or fluctuating sexual desire—give yourself grace. Your experiences are valid, and navigating them with curiosity rather than judgment can help you move forward.
You are not alone in this journey, and you’ve got this.
